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I found your note today. You hid it so well in the most obvious of places, where I keep my letters. 
The handwriting, the memories, it all came back and I stood, barely dressed, smiling: reading your note over and over again. Almost a year has passed. Time has swirled away, as if carried by angel wings and I find that I miss you too, a lot more than I am supposed to. 
What were you thinking, hiding a note where anyone could have found it? 
And how come it took me almost a year to do so? 
Love, I hope you are well and still surrounded by your loved ones. I am sorry I can't be there yet. 
But I love you still and one day you will know.

I've applied to the Bachelor of Science in Biology and Earthscience programme. A part of me will miss the physics, but I think I'm doing the right thing. I've decided to stay. I have come to realise that I can't simply change the skies to find what I search for. It began here, it makes sense that it ends here. 

Caelum, non animum mutant, qui trans mare currunt

Ad interim

I'm supposedly online to check out this physics page my professor recommended.

...Had a conversation with dad today, got me a little unsettled. I kinda lost the focus.

He basically told me to finish this year, quit my job and get out traveling again - to not come home until I'd figured out "why I'm doing this."

It's just, the more I think about it, the harder it is to find an answer. It's safe here, but is it really what I want?

Solum fortist est


And she wonders where these dreams go
Cause the world got in her way

Little cracks in the paint of the ceiling make her think of rivers flowing above her. She wonders why she has never seen them before. You'd think she would have found them sooner, the cracks that look like rivers. She always seek the waters when she is distressed. And she's been down on the floor, looking up, for many years. It's become her safety net, something that catches her when she falls. She really ought to have seen those flowing rivers before. There is a salty wetness that she doesn't recognize, tumbling gently down her cheek. She closes her eyes and wills her breath to slow. And slowly she comes to her senses, her mind pushing back the thoughts of whatever it is that's aching in her chest. She rises.  

Her hands are trembling, cold. Frozen water, salt. Her back is straight as ever. The gaze that reflects her own is slowly filling up with a smile that isn't quite as authentic as her real one but it will have to do. One last breath, a friend's voice in her head reminding her that the stars still shine above the clouds. Then she opens the door and returns to her family. For them, she is still strong. 

Alis volat propriis

More than ever, you've reminded me how much I have missed you during this time. 
There's a fact that I haven't slept in 39 hours and still I feel like I could fly if you wanted me to.

Alis volat propriis, and someday I will too.

Through eternity, ... Alcyone!

Haec ego non multis scribo, sed tibi: navigare necesse est, vivere non est necesse. 
Daiko, let's sail away. <3

One of these days, I'm going to light all the candles and watch them burn down. Fill the room with warmth again and watch the shadows dance. One of these days I'm going to grieve the loss of an extraordinary man and feel happy that I got to know him. 

I'm exhausted. These equations don't make any sense.

Stella externa minuta vergiliarum, quae est ad lotus boreale

... the great and burning star,
Immeasurably old, immeasurably far,
Surging forth its silver flame
Through eternity, ... Alcyone!

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April 2008


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